Rob Ford's sex talk lights up late night

By Don Peat, City Hall Bureau Chief

Mayor Rob Ford was featured on the Late Show with David Letterman's Top 10 List on Thursday, Nov. 14, 2013. (screengrab)

Mayor Rob Ford was featured on the Late Show with David Letterman's Top 10 List on Thursday, Nov. 14, 2013. (screengrab)


Mayor Rob Ford’s comments about oral sex Thursday made for more late-night laughs at his expense.

U.S. comedians have been cracking jokes about Ford almost every night since the crack cocaine scandal exploded onto the world stage just a couple of weeks ago.

And Saturday Night Live is expected to joke about the city’s chief magistrate this weekend.

Ford set off the latest frenzy of comedy writing south of the border less than five minutes after he walked into City Hall on Thursday morning.

Ford was fuming at the latest allegations in a police document made public Wednesday and began ranting to reporters — denying the allegation a woman with him the night of his boozy St. Patrick’s Day 2012 party was a prostitute and promising to sue three of his ex-staffers who spoke to police.

Then the mayor of Canada’s largest city — who was being broadcast on live TV and radio — denied he sexually harassed a former mayor’s office staffer.

“(The police document) says I wanted to eat her p---y, I’ve never said that in my life to her, I would never do that,” said the furious Ford. “I’m happily married, I’ve got more than enough to eat at home.”

Not surprisingly, Jon Stewart played the video of Ford’s rant on The Daily Show Thursday night.

Ford clips start at about the three-minute mark:

“Do you have children? Because if you do you might want to go right now, wake them up and bring them downstairs and gather them around the television set … this next clip will astonish and amaze you,” Stewart said before playing the video.

Stewart rolled back his chair and feigned falling before screaming, “What? What? What? What?”

“Somewhere in a basement through his tears Anthony Weiner is going, ‘What the f---?’” he said.

“Let me beg you sir, let me beg you, Mayor Rob Ford, let that be your last statement. Put down the mic. Make that the last sentence of your entire career in public service because that is what we call in my business ‘a closer.’”

Stewart also referenced the allegations detailed in the police document.

“This f---ing guy is a one man episode of Cops,” Stewart joked.

Stephen Colbert also joked about Ford’s comments.

“Wow, is it Valentine’s Day already?” Colbert asked. “Kinda makes you nostalgic for the crack, now doesn’t it Toronto?”

He also joked about Ford Motor Co. distancing itself from Ford the mayor.

“Big mistake Ford (Motor Co.), there is no product with more customer loyalty than crack,” the host of the Colbert Report joked.

Colbert pointed out Toronto council voted to ask Ford to take a leave of absence but the action was non-binding.

“Under Canadian law the only ones with the power to arrest the mayor are the Queen and Wayne Gretzky,” he said.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon also made jokes at Ford’s expense Thursday night.

“It is official, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is officially the best,” Fallon said. “This guy is unbelievable.”

“He’s admitted that he bought crack and now he may be forced to take a leave of absence which raises the question, what the hell does he have to do to get fired?”

Fallon mocked Ford’s statement to council that he is a “positive role model for kids.”

“It’s not like he stole the crack, he paid for it,” Fallon said.

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno also slammed Ford in the opening monologue.

“God bless Canada, what a gift the Canadians have given us,” Leno said.

On the Late Show with David Letterman, Ford was again the topic of the legendary Top Ten list.

Letterman played video from Wednesday’s council meeting where Councillor Denzil Minnan-Wong asked Ford if he had purchased illegal drugs in the last two years.

Ford paused for several seconds before finally replying, “Yes, I have.”

Here’s Letterman’s full list from Thursday night:

Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Rob Ford’s Mind At This Moment:

10. “Is he talking to ME?”

9. “Oops.”

8. “Yes and I’d like some now.”

7. “What would a crack-smoking winston churchill say?”

6. “No questions about Newfoundland?”

5. “I don’t remember, you should be asking my crack dealer.”

4. “I’m not an addict, I’m just stupid.”

3. “Crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack.”

2. “What answer gets me to Dairy Queen faster?”

1. “Help Me, Canadian Jesus!”

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